A Podcast for Coaches

Hey, this is Mark Butler and you are
listening to a podcast for coaches.

I've had several experiences over the
last few weeks that reminded me of my

time in a specific kind of territory,
a specific kind of state, and it's

a state that I call superiority.

Now, of course, I didn't make
up superiority, and I don't have

a technical definition for you.

But I'm referring to what some
people call a superiority complex.

Others might call it grandiosity.

Others might call it going one up or
being one up but the idea here is that.

There are certain relationships
and certain interactions where one

person in the relationship will come
from a clear sense that they are

right and the other person is wrong.

That they are ahead and the other
person is behind that they are above,

and the other person below that, they
are kind of in a parent role and the

other person is kind of in a child role.

That they are evolved and
the other person is not.

And in a real way, these
things could be true.

But I'm not talking about the
scenarios where they're true.

I'm talking about the scenarios where I.

The person who's bringing that
superiority to the interaction or to

the relationship is doing so from a
place of distortion, dishonesty, fear,

and the way it expresses itself in the
relationship is really through contempt.

Now I bring this up because this
is familiar territory for me.

Thanks to coaching and thanks
to a loving and patient wife.

I would say over the last five years
or so, I've become more and more

aware of this pattern in myself.

I.

And I won't speak for anyone else,
but here's what it looks like in me.

What it looks like in me is that I have
an internal, in some domains, not in every

domain, but in some domains, I have a
basic sense of not feeling like I'm good

enough or feeling like I'm behind, or that
I'm actually deep down kind of a loser.

The way I cope is by reaching for an
attitude of superiority, an attitude of

criticism, and contempt for self that then
gets expressed as contempt for others,

and the way it shows up in my life and
in my relationships is that when I'm in

an emotionally activated interaction.

Whether with a spouse or with a client.

In a situation where I perceive
risk, you could say, because with

my spouse, I perceive the risk of
maybe being left or maybe being

unloved or something like that.

And with a client, I perceive
the risk of finding out that I'm

actually not very effective in my
work and that I'm not gonna be

able to provide well for my family.

These are emotionally activating
situations, and when I get emotionally

activated, what I do is I reach for
my favorite tool and my favorite

tool is I have the ability to rapidly
take in and process ideas and then.

Express them back.

, I'm a rapid processor
mentally and verbally.

Well, that can serve me and my clients
very well, but when I'm emotionally

activated and feeling fragile and
feeling insecure, or feeling fearful or

feeling angry, what it looks like is a
very well-spoken, fast talking bully.

This is just how it expresses in me.

It's using my strengths, wrapping
them in insecurity and contempt,

and sort of smashing the people in
my life over the head with them,

all the while pretending that I am
in some way, doing them a favor.

I understand this is very personal, what
I'm sharing with you right now, and.

I don't want you to think that
I'm being hyper self-critical.

I think one of the reasons I can say this
in this setting is that as I've become

aware of this over the last five plus
years and in collaboration with, , a

loving wife and great coaches, I think
I'm making amazing progress on this.

Hopefully that's not just grandiosity
sneaking into today's episode.

I check with my wife often
and I say, how am I doing?

, do you feel that your voice is
welcome in the relationship?

Do you feel that you have
the time and space you.

Want and need to process ideas without
having me pounce and tell you the right

answer or give you the sense that I
want you to hurry up and see it my way.

And I'm very grateful to say that as
the years go by more and more often,

she's saying, yeah, you're doing great..

And we can be there for
each other in that way.

Because I have this issue
with superiority and Kate.

Will say that she tends
to go the other direction.

Kate's my wife, Kate will say that
she tends to go the other direction.

Well, I can't speak to that 'cause
that's not familiar territory for me.

I'm not struggling with that.

But superiority and inferiority
both have their own ways of

expressing themselves and they
have , their own penalties basically.

But the superiority thing has been mine,
and I can come to you and speak about it

today because I really do feel like I've.

Made huge progress.

The way I'm observing that progress
in myself is that I am much more

open to the ideas of others.

I'm much less quick to go to criticism of
others even when I am feeling insecure,

because that's my favorite time to get
superior is when I'm feeling insecure.

I I'm much more.

Calm and open in emotionally
activated situations, both with my

wife and kids and with my clients.

I'm not incurring the internal
penalties of superiority in the

way that I have in the past,

and it's a much better
way of being for me.

But it still does get sneaky, and
I observe it sometimes in myself,

and I observe it sometimes in
my clients where it's subtle,

but still limiting and harmful.

Just because I don't engage in fast
talking bully behaviors anymore, or

not nearly as often, I and others
with , my same struggle of superiority

is that the superiority may still
be there, but maybe it's internal.

Maybe I'm still having the thought.

Oh, well, if they would just see what
I see, if they would just look at it

the way I look at it, if they would
just do the work that I've done,

if they would catch up to me, I.

Then we could really grow together.

And you could say that equally about
a client, or you could say that

about a spouse or a romantic partner.

You could say that about a
child or a friend or a sibling.

If my internal voice is still
saying, uh, if they were just on my

level, wouldn't they be better off?

Even when there are clear and agreed
upon improvements, that a client,

a spouse, a sibling, a friend, a
romantic partner, might want to

make, if my internal voice is.

Returning often to and fixating on
my assessment of their performance

that is that sneaky grandiosity
coming back in to poison me against

the person I love the person I'm in
relationship with, and to rob me of

increased insight and connection.

With that person.

So it's wonderful to not
be a fast-talking bully.

To the extent that I've
eliminated that from my character,

it's also wonderful and probably the
next project to raise my awareness of

the internal voice and to see if it
is still indulging in this criticism.

Contempt.

I wanna be clear about something.

If a person in service of not being
critical or contemptuous of the people

in their life swings the other direction
and becomes critical and contemptuous of

themselves, we've accomplished nothing.

All we've done is gone from an attitude of
superiority to an attitude of inferiority,

which is its own losing strategy.

What's between those is
self-knowledge, self-acceptance.

Openness and honesty.

When we're engaging with our spouses,

there are strategies we can use to
raise our awareness of these things

and to try to adopt a new way of being.

Uh, thanks to the work I've done with my
own coaches, I've developed a much greater

sense of , my physical sensations when
I'm slipping into the emotional place

where this grandiosity manifests itself.

And what I mean by that is I know how
I feel when I start to be a bully.

I know where the emotion lives in me.

I kind of know the vibe I.

And I've learned to recognize it and
to say, oh, this is familiar territory,

and whatever comes into my head next,
and whatever comes outta my mouth next.

If it's fueled by that feeling,
it's not where I wanna be.

There are also practical things that
if I have a habit of grandiosity,

superiority, criticism, contempt.

Then I can actively go in the
opposite direction of my old patterns.

For example, when Kate and I
have dealt with the Fast Talking

bully, one of the ways to.

Limit my effect is to do things
like 24 hour processing periods.

So if Kate and I are having an
interaction where we are both feeling

activated, we're both feeling like
there's disagreement and it might be

disagreement about an important thing.

We already know that Kate is a
slower processor than I am now.

This is a key insight.

It's not that she has a longer, slower
process for getting to the truth.

It's that she takes more time in an
appropriate way to reason through her

thoughts and feelings about the topic.

I might be quicker to a response,
but it's not necessarily the truth.

That's the whole thing.

So we have done things like 24 hour
processing periods, and in those 24 hours,

all that emotional activation goes away.

We both have an opportunity to
organize our thoughts and feelings

about the subject and then come
back together and now have a much

more clear and open conversation in
pursuit of insight and common ground.

It works amazing

In client work.

If you have a tendency to fill the space.

With your answers

and crowd out your client's opportunity
for insight for self-discovery,

then one of the best strategies
you can, , employ is just shut up.

. If you're on zoom, mute yourself

and listen.

And while you're doing
that, do some breathing.

Do something internally to reorganize
yourself, to regulate your emotion,

and to be in a position to collaborate
with your client in pursuit of insight.

It would be totally reasonable
to say to a client.,

I have this tendency, here's a thing
I do when I get emotionally activated.

The truth is sometimes it's hard for me
to differentiate between when I'm at my

best and when I'm actually at my worst.

Sometimes I have a hard telling
the difference between the two, so.

If I feel like I'm gonna share
an idea with you, I'm going

to give it some extra space.

You and I are gonna have a shorthand
about it where I say, okay, I'm about

to do the thing that I do, not so that
we both brace against it, but so we both

locate, locate it in its proper place,
which means we might decide it's a great

thing and run with it, and we might just
immediately deposit it in the garbage can.

That's pro relationship, that's
collaborative, that works for

all of us who struggle with this
superiority and this grandiosity.

I.

While we're figuring out whether we
have the issue, while we're figuring

out to what degree it has seeped
into all of our relationships,

it's a good idea to just check in.

Often I.

And ask ourselves, was that
me being superior or was

that me being collaborative?

The way I just acted in that interaction,
was it self-soothing and indulgent

because I was feeling fearful?

Or was it open and confident and loving?

Sometimes saying things that , are really
difficult for the other person to hear.

It's still open, confident, and loving.

But for those of us who struggle
with this kind of contemptuous

superiority, we have to be willing
to check with ourselves and others.

Which one was I just then?

I the person I wanna be, or was I
the indulgent person I wanna leave

behind as we practice our sense
of which is, which will improve,

and our ability to collaborate in
an open and easy way with people

we care about will improve as well.

I think that we as coaches are more
prone to superiority than to inferiority.

I think a little bit of a superiority
complex ,may have been a contributing

factor to our desire to get into
coaching in the first place.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing.

What I'm saying is if as we get into
coaching, instead of using coaching

to move ourselves to a healthier, less
indulgent, more collaborative place, if

we use coaching to add to the arsenal.

Of weapons we pull out in
interactions with those we love,

and those we're serving as clients.

That's not what we want.

We want collaboration and connection.

We want insight.

We don't want our sense of superiority.

To rob us of increased insight
and growth within ourselves.

So let's raise our awareness of it.

Again, I can say all this today and not
feel emotionally activated while I'm

saying it because now I know what it is.

It has a name, it has a
certain emotion for me.

It doesn't mean that I
never fall back into it.

Now I have so much awareness around
it that when it happens, I can

quickly correct, I can apologize,
and I can decide to be better.

But on average, this is becoming
less and less a part of my life.

I wish the same for all of us
who are fragile in this way.

And with that, I will
talk to you next time.